"I declare the Eagle Fist all-styles, hand-to-hand combat world championship open once more. For the next 10 days, the world's mightiest fighters will come together here at Fang Island to compete for a prize of $1 million and the post of Associate Secretary Of Full-Contact Defense!"
Rumsfeld then declared the tournament open by symbolically shattering a block of obsidian with his prosthetic dragon's claw�the powerful weapon grafted onto his right wrist after 2003 champion Li severed his hand with manji butterfly swords.
"Who can deny that conflict is a purifying flame which sears away cowardice, hesitation, sentiment�all that which is unworthy in Man?" Rumsfeld said, stroking his albino cheetah.
The Eagle Fist Tournament has come under fire from critics in America who characterize the fortress, purchased at taxpayers' expense, as a grandstanding ploy to divert attention from Iraq and the stalled war on terrorism.
"What exactly is this meant to achieve?" reporter James Snyder asked, hours before he disappeared from the Fort Worth Star-Telegram building.
"It is difficult to associate horrors with the proud civilizations that created them: Sparta, Rome, the knights of Europe, the Samurai. They worshipped strength, because strength is the fundament for all other values. I shall find the strongest of all, and together, we shall shake the world to its very foundations."
The reason I love the Onion is not because it's comedy - it's because it's satire. To understand, read the last paragraph.